


Use Me As You Will

by Frank_Ieros_Knees



Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-05-07
Updated: 2013-05-14
Packaged: 2017-12-10 18:04:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,753
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/788579
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Frank_Ieros_Knees/pseuds/Frank_Ieros_Knees
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>16 year old Frank Iero has always been easily influenced. He's always let everyone else's opinions control his life. So w hen his high school class mates tell him being gay is wrong and disgusting he leaves Gerard. Now 12 years later Frank's married with a great job, but he can't seem to get Gerard off of his mind. He can't stop the butterfly's and the knots that form in his stomach every time he thinks of that boy he let go all those years ago and it tears him apart. The guilt and longing finally get to be too much for Frank. He files for a divorce from the woman he's never loved and sets out to find the love of his life he let go all those years ago. </p><p> </p><p>I'm going to challenge myself to see how many song lyrics from different songs I can put in here... lets see how this goes:3</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. How My Mistakes Have Made Your Heart Break

_"Gerard, we need to talk." I sighed pulling myself out of the older boy hold. I had to do this once and for all. Its for the best that we both go our separate ways. What we're doing is wrong and its just disgusting it has to end. Gerard finally settled down and looked at me he was gently biting his lip in anticipation waiting for me to say what I had to say. Taking in a deep breath I looked at his face for a moment before I spoke. Memorizing every detail every curve, dip and patch of hair. This was going to hurt, but it has to be done. "Gerard...We can't be together any more. What we're doing i- its wrong and its not normal. Its disgusting. We have to stop this or who knows what'll happen to us! We're just really confused and we just need time and we can be normal and everything will be alright." I spoke my words rushing out the longer I my lips kept moving. Gerard was just sitting there his face void of any and all emotions. To be honest its really scaring me. Gerard just blinked and looked at me like I was some unknown creature. "Say something... anything. You're scaring me Gerard." "Do you honestly think I care." He finally spoke quietly. "DO YOU HONESTLY THINK I FUCKING CARE! You want me to fucking talk because I'm scaring you, but you cant even be with me because of what those pricks at school have to say. Are you fucking serious?" He scoffed the venom dripping from his voice as he stood up. I recoiled back from the harsh one and looked at him wide eyed. Why was he being like this? What doesn't he understand about this thing we have ,well had, not being normal or right for that matter? "One day you're going to look back on this day and realize you lost someone you'll never be able to replace. You'll realize that we were perfect, but by then it'll be too late... It'll be too late." He stood there for a moment letting his words seep in then promptly turned around and walked out the door and out my life._

I jolted awake to the sound of my alarm buzzing from my bed side table. I sat up groggily and smacked my hand against the alarm instantly silencing it's nerve-wracking buzzing. Silently I made my way to my shower careful not to wake June from her sleep. She was a pain when she was woken up before 10. As I stood under the shower ,letting the water fall over my head and down my body, I let my mind wander back to my dream. I've been thinking about it a lot lately. Thinking about Gerard in general lately. My mind keeps replaying that moment over and over. I keep seeing the hurt flashing in his usually cheerful eyes. It cuts me deep knowing I hurt him like that still. I don't know what suddenly brought about this wave of guilt, but it didn't come alone. It brought back feelings id murdered and buried deep into my mind where not even I could find it and even attempt to revive it. Or I thought I did at least. These feeling have managed to revive themselves and come back stronger than ever and quite frankly its really scary. The thought of just loving him scares me. I haven't talked to Gerard in 12 years. How do I know if he even remembers me. What if he's changed? These questions keep running through my mind, but despite these thoughts there's this tug in my chest telling me to go anyways.

I keep telling myself I just need closure and I'll be just fine, but I can't lie to myself anymore about it. It's not closure I'm looking for...I'm looking for love. I want Gerard's love, but every time I work up the courage to even consider going and finding him I remember his last words to me _"One day you're going to look back on this day and realize you lost someone you'll never be able to replace. You'll realize that we were perfect, but by then it'll be too late... It'll be too late."_  Those words play over and over in my mind every time I get in my car and think about leaving and not coming back. Those words keep me from handing June those divorce papers hidden away in my desk. Those are the words that are keeping here right now sitting at this desk with piles of paperwork to go through. Those words kept him here at this job he absolutely detested and wanted nothing more than to quit... but not by much.

His words were starting to lose their affect on me... If anything they were pushing me to leave and forget every thing. Or maybe its just my heart pushing me. Pushing me to leave everything behind and take the risk of him not loving me or wanting me back. My hearts need for him pulsing and shining brighter than the fear or rejection in my mind. My hearts had enough of being put on the back burner and wants this one thing my mind has been trying to ,and succeeding in, suppressing for so many years. My heart is burning for Gerard and I think it just might stop beating and give up if it doesn't have me or if I just don't try. My minds telling me not to go and to stay and stick with whats safe and familiar, but every other inch of my body is screaming for his touch and to just be in his arms again.I don't think I deny this need much longer.


	2. Though My Skies Are Turning Gery

Shallow, dark, and hallow are the only ways I can think of to describe my life right now... To describe myself in general. I'm just a shell of my former self. Thoughts and memories haunt my dreams and plague my every thought. The thought of his face the last time I saw him chills me down to the core. Things are just bad. Worse than bad. It just impossible for my life to get any worse than it is right at this moment. Why you may ask? Well the answer is one simple word...June. That's all I can say. The woman I once loved with all my heart. The sight of her right now kills me. It kills to know how much she loves me. Not being able to love her back. Not having the love I once had for her it kills me. I hate what I'm doing to her. I hate that I've been hurting her like this. I hate that I'v been using her like this. The guilt just keeps piling up as I look at her standing in the door way...divorce papers in hand and large tears in her eyes as she looks at me. Pain, hurt, confusion, and anger all written across her face.

"Frank."She spoke. "What...Why do you have these?"As she spoke her voiced cracked ever so slightly. I couldn't answer her. I couldn't even look at her. It hurt to much that she had to find out like this."Are you seeing someone else?" I didn't answer. I didn't know how to answer. What am I supposed to tell her? I haven't physically cheated on you, but I've been thinking about leaving you for my ex Boyfriend who I haven't seen in 12 years. I'm in love with a man who probably forgot I even existed in the first place because I was an ass hole to him. No matter how I put it. I just couldn't find a way to break it to her. There's no easy way to tell someone you've been thinking about a divorce because you're in love with your high school boyfriend. Hell, there's no easy way to tell someone you're leaving them because you're gay in the first place. "DAMMIT FRANK ANSWER ME! Do you not love me? Am I not enough? Do I not make you happy? Why...Just why? What did I do wrong? Just tell me please." She trailed off her words quickly turning into sobs.

"June... I-I-I'm sorry. You weren't supposed to find out like this. I didn't wanna tell you like this." I whispered. My heart breaking even more than it already was. I always loved June. I still do love her, just not the way I used to. "This divorce honestly has nothing what so ever to do with you. You did nothing... Nothing wrong. You've been a wonderfully amazing wife for all these years. I-i just can't hide what I feel inside anymore. All these feelings and thoughts and dreams. I thought I'd buried them deep enough and tied them up tight enough that they'd be gone forever. I thought I did. I swore I did, but apparently I didn't. They've managed to rip and tear there way free. Every night they've been plaguing my mind. The memories have been invading my every dream, taking over every single one of my thoughts and I can't take it any more. I'm sick of trying to heal old wounds June. _These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real. There's just too much that time cannot erase_. I'm Sick of hiding how I feel. I'm sick of not being truly happy. I was happy when we got married, but there was always this underlying sense of misery buried deep deep deep down inside of me. I can't be with you and walk around and pretend that I'm madly in love with you when I'm not anymore June. I'm Just not and I'm sorry. I'm not saying I don't love you at all, but I can't say I love you like I did before. I'll always love you June that's one thing I want you to know. I always will... I just can't keep doing this to you or myself. It's not fair and it would only going to hurt you and me more in the long run. There's no easy way to tell you... or anybody else what I've got to tell you June. No easy way." Pausing I walked closer to her and held her hands. "12 years ago in high school way before I met you... I wasn't like who I am today... not even close. I was a coward and I didn't think for myself. I just listen to what everyone else had to say and if they didn't like what ever I was doing I did everything in my power to fix that. I don't want you to freak out when I tell you this. I just want you to listen to me okay." June nodded, but other wise didn't speak a single word. "When I was in high school I used to.... I was dating this... guy named Gerard. I loved him. I really did, but I let what every one else had to say stop us from being together. I let them fill my head with their hatred and shallow minded ideas. I let what everyone else had to say ruin my happiness. I was blinded by my fear of being an outcast and a reject. I let my fear control me. I broke up with him almost 12 years ago. I told him we what we were doing was wrong and that we were just confused and we could figure things out, but we had to stop what we were doing now. He was so hurt June... just so hurt and he was right. I lost the best thing I had and I probably won't get him back." My voice had slowly turned into a whisper as I stared off into space trying to remember every detail of his face and how silky smooth his voice used to be. "When he walked away I didn't realize it till just recently that he always had my heart. There's nothing more I want than to forget about him and be happy with just you, but I can't I just can't keep ignoring my heart any longer...When I got those divorce papers I wasn't even sure I wanted to leave. I fought with myself for days on weather I should just rip them up and just pretend I didn't have these feelings anymore. I wanted nothing more than to pretend that Gerard had never existed and that he meant nothing to me. But then another part of me wanted nothing more that to follow my heart and." I stopped and searching for right words to finish my sentence, but nothing came. I don't know what I want to do still

"Follow your heart and do what Frank!" June suddenly spoke up snatching her hands away from mine. Hurt and anger flooded her features and her usually soft and sweet voice. " Do what Frank?! Go find a man who probably forgot you existed or is married and _**STILL**_ hates your guts! What? Did you think he'd just go crawling back into you arms and take you back like nothing happened? Did you think after 12 years he'd be waiting on you? What what could you possibly think Frank?"

"I don't know June! I don't fucking know! Okay! I didn't think he'd just take me back. I know he won't just take me back, but hell if I have to beg and plead I will. I don't care if it takes me the rest of my life.I don't care if I find him and he tells me to go to hell, I don't care if he doesn't remember me. I don't care if he just flat out fucking rejects me! I just don't fucking care! I'll never know until I try June and dammit I'm going to fucking try and try and try. And if I fail then I'll just try again."

"We'll see how far that gets you" She scoffed. " Why try if its a lost cause Frank. I know you're smarter than that."

"I won't give up. What if when I decide to quit he was right on the boarder of cracking? What if right when I quit he chooses to love me back! I won't let that happen. I won't quit until he's mine again and If you can't accept that then I'm sorry, but nothings going to make me change my mind June... Nothing." I was so broken as realization set in on her face. It hurt me to see her look so defeated and broken. Tears... Big huge fat tears rolled down her cheeks as she looked at me her husband... soon to be ex husband. The man she was supposed to spend forever with. The man she was supposed to grow old with and start a family with was leaving her. "I'm sorry June. So so sorry." I whispered as she started to sob. " _I never meant to do those things to you._ "

"Please just don't." She chocked out through her tears. "Don't try and make me feel better because you can't Frank. Nothing you say can make me feel okay. Nothing you say can make the dull aching pain go away. I-i understand why you're leaving. _And If you have to leave. I wish that you would just leave_ Frank. I'll sign the papers and you can go. Go be happy...   _I wish nothing but the best for you_. Just be careful. He's lucky to have your heart Frank even though what you did was awful, he should know he's lucky." She said wiping the tears from he face. The sincerity of her words warmed my heart. Who ever manages to sweep her off her feet will be one lucky guy.

"Thank you June. What ever guy manages to sweep you off your feet and fix your heart because of my mistakes is lucky. You're an amazing woman and one day you'll make somebody the happiest and proudest man alive. I'm just sorry it couldn't be me. You deserve someone better."

" Yeah. Maybe next time I'll find someone who's tall enough so he can literally sweep me off of my feet." She grinned playfully as she pulled me into a tight hug. "I'm going to miss you Frank." She whispered into my shoulder.

I nodded in agreement."I'll miss you too June. _You're one in a million_." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All lyrics are italicized.... lyrics by Evanescence (my immortal), Hoobastank (The reason) ,Red Jumpsuit Apparatus (guardian angel), Adele (someone like you), and Hannah Montana (One in a million:))

**Author's Note:**

> This chapter title from 'Smother me' by The Used... Story title 'Your Guardian Angel' By Red Jumpsuit Apparatus. I sadly do not own these characters except June, but shes not that important: this is also posted on my mibba. I didn't steal it!


End file.
